second thoughts? what a pussy!

Well, I’m here. I’ve made it as far as the airport and I’m already terrified. I feel like I’m in the last throes of a full on anxiety attack... it may be the fact that I’ve averaged three hours of sleep for the last three nights. I’ve been packing, either physically or mentally for days, I managed to do an entire first rough video edit of a one hour play in one sitting yesterday only to not be able to export it due to clogged disk space, I tied up loose ends, did dutchman’s laundry, called the vet, you name it... I am superman!

so why am I panicked? I’m scared shitless. What the fuck am I doing? I should have just jumped in the car the minute that going to Camp Casey struck me. I know myself, if I have too much time to prepare for anything, I have too much time to get nervous. And now I’ve read various accounts on the internets about what’s happening there and then I’ve tortured myself with right wing radio enough to fear the extreme right and left. It sounds like a circus. And it doesn’t help that the tent that was donated for the cause to provide shade to the vigilent looks like a fucking circus tent.

I want to go to this thing to serve. I want to go to be a number, a body to show that there are a number of us who cannot stand idly by and let this country go to shit.

but now I fear that ... what? What am I afraid of? Am I a fucking chickenshit? Or have I just had too much coffee and too little sleep? It doesn’t help that a total stranger that I met at a party told me that I have to deliver a report. It doesn’t help that there’s supposed to be some big caravan of anti-anti-war protestors showing up next Saturday. It doesn’t help that I already miss dutchman and that I’m afraid that I’m too old and that I fear I’ll let somebody somewhere down... If I get there and it’s fascist hippie central what am I going to do? If I had any food in me, I think I’d throw it up.

The plan, as it stands right now, is to get to texas this afternoon. I have to visit with family tonight. My mother is trying to get me to hang as long as possible. She’s been great. She sounds as giddy about helping me with this as she did when she helped with our wedding. She’s been sewing peace patches on army hats and gathering mess kits and camping cots. She may try to sneak down to visit, but she doesn’t want to piss off my dad who’s a dittohead. That’s a whole ‘nother sad sad story... I will tear myself away from her as soon as possible tomorrow, Tuesday, and get there hopefully with enough daylight to find a place to camp.

the one thing that I’m freaky about is needing a little space of my own. It doesn’t have to be pretty, it just has to be mine. As long as I can find that, I’ll be fine. Maybe that’s what I’m freaking out about... once I know that I have that, maybe I’ll be able to settle. In the meantime, it’s antacids and deep breaths.

Well, they just changed my gate so I better go find it. The airline desk folks looked a little shabby. That didn’t help my nerves either...